I managed to get into a phase of severe and acute anxiety.
It sucks!
It's pretty ridiculous, in fact. Some people want to help me, but exacerbate the situation. I do not want to get locked up because I have unrelenting anxiety.
I know right from wrong. I do not think I am a writing utensil, a sink, or a paper cup. I mean you no offense if you are one of those things. I mean if you are actually crazy, you ARE one of those things, you don't just 'think' maybe you are.
Which leads me to a further examination of what I've considered my insanity. If I were so crazy, I would totally not be cognizant of it.
When you are terrified of going crazy, and think, 'what if?' to no end, I am going to personally call that anxiety.
Anxiety, stress. Two partners in quite the hate crime, on an innocent undeserving mind and body.
Can Xanax and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy kick their ass? I am going to say that they better.
I am pretty exhausted, and don't know how long my body will last under such extreme pressure.
Please give me some respite from what ails me. I'm not delusional because I was afraid of my boyfriend when almost every relationship I had involved violence.
I am not in danger of self harm because I am afraid of 'what if I were in danger of self harm?' I am not unable to be alone because I am uncomfortable being alone.
Life is not perfect. I hit a roadblock, and I stumbled. Well fine, I totally fell flat on my ass. The thing is though, I want to fight to have my life back. I want to be strong, and I want to be better.
That is the only possible focus I can have right now. I can't have more stress at this time. I can't please people with expectations I cannot meet, and I cannot calm people with an instantaneous recovery.
My energy is in my battle, my struggle, and my determination to end this cycle of vicious anxiety so I can reclaim my life.
I don't know what will happen, but I know what I won't let happen along the way. I am not allowing any further stress and pressure into my world.
I only wish to communicate with people who 'get it' to some degree, and understand without adding panic.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
yeah logically
i know i'm not right in the head.
i know reading my last post back, i sounded like an annoying crazy bitch. but to survive, i have to think of myself in a less negative light.
i am scared for my life. dramatic? yes.
but the way i've felt these past couple of weeks is an illness.
something in my head went wrong. or something in my body, or a marriage of the two.
i did not ask for it, it is not my fault. a confluence of factors came together, right time and right place (though it's all wrong!) and this is the result.
i want to get back how i felt before. happy, content feelings. an amount of anxiety, but nothing irrational and nothing terrifying. (except when leaving comfort zones/ doing something like flying)
i am holding on desperately to hope that there is HOPE. i have had rough times and made it to the other side. it's just that this one FEELS WORSE.
is this really generalized anxiety and not something far more sinister? some kind of brain issue?
a thyroid storm?
could i make it through an MRI? but no, the way this came on, it does seem like STRESS.
it's just that the stress is gone, it's time to calm down already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know reading my last post back, i sounded like an annoying crazy bitch. but to survive, i have to think of myself in a less negative light.
i am scared for my life. dramatic? yes.
but the way i've felt these past couple of weeks is an illness.
something in my head went wrong. or something in my body, or a marriage of the two.
i did not ask for it, it is not my fault. a confluence of factors came together, right time and right place (though it's all wrong!) and this is the result.
i want to get back how i felt before. happy, content feelings. an amount of anxiety, but nothing irrational and nothing terrifying. (except when leaving comfort zones/ doing something like flying)
i am holding on desperately to hope that there is HOPE. i have had rough times and made it to the other side. it's just that this one FEELS WORSE.
is this really generalized anxiety and not something far more sinister? some kind of brain issue?
a thyroid storm?
could i make it through an MRI? but no, the way this came on, it does seem like STRESS.
it's just that the stress is gone, it's time to calm down already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In Hell
So this is reaching out for help:
"I'll be happy to get u an appt later this wk.
However, I cannot accept emails about clinical concerns (from either prospective or established pts) and cannot establish a doctor-patient relationship prior to our scheduled appt. "
I contacted her out of desperation. I could not reach the woman I wanted.
I had been trying to contac her, a psychiatrist I saw 7 years ago when I first was hit with panic disorder, agoraphobia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
This psychiatrist- her message said she'd be back this past Thursday, she did not return my message. I called her service twice and said it was urgent I talk to her. WTF?
All I want is to see a psychiatrist! I fear being locked up with every fiber of my being.
I do not want to get put away, because I got stressed out over:
My mom being in the hospital- and learning about it in a manner leading me to think she passed away.
My brother being ill.
A months long problem getting health insurance, while dealing with my thyroid going out of wack...
And probably dumb things, like my fridge breaking/ and air conditioner/ cat being sick.
Oh and flying to Florida because I felt I'd never see my mom again if I didn't-- and being so consumed with terror on the plane that I thought I'd lose my mind. (i very well may have)
Then agreeing to go on a cruise, involving flying to go on the boat-- when the idea of flying filled my with dread. Absolute dread. Not normal, not adjusted of me, but the way it happens to be.
When in Florida, my mom said things like 'but you used to fly here all the time', not understanding that for me... this was huge. A huge stress. It crossed my mind that I needed to go home, and just de-stress with NO further stresses.
But-- I agreed to the cruise. I also got home to find my insurance was not straightened out- and that my old insurance was NOT in effect when i thought it was... so now I had bills.
A 9/11 fund was tracking me down because of the insurance. The phone kept ringing, my stomach kept churning, bills were in my mailbox.
Then one night I was up all night with stabbing pains in my right rib cage. I could not reach my boyfriend, and kept trying desperately. I just wanted to hear his voice.
Finally, at 6 am I called my father, hoping to be reassured I wasn't having a gallbladder attack. (after reading online, i thought it possible)
I was far from reassured. He told me the health insurance I thought had gone through had not. I spent all day in bed stressing it.
When I got up I was hit with severe stomach cramps to the point I was on my knees. I was vomiting and sick, and thought 'oh man, stomach bug!'
After that, I felt scared to eat. I went days barely eating, and that became weeks. I started to sob and cry over nothing at all.
My boyfriend would make any comment, and I was hysterical. Then one night, I asked to take a photo of him making a funny face.
He refused, and I went into a rage type fit. I was crying and screaming so loud that I felt my throat shutting down. I was shaking, and hyperventilating.
I ran to my bottle of Xanax, which I had for flying to Florida. I said I'd take all of them, because I was out of control.
I didn't mean it. My boyfriend, not knowing that, grabbed them and ran.
I ran after him pleading, begging, for a small amount of Xanax. I could barely breathe, the room was spinning, and I needed it.
I had not taken any Xanax in 5 years, but this was the time. 'Please!' I cried. He said he should call the police, I said no please call my friend Charles.
He did, and he gave me the tiny piece of Xanax I so wanted.
I got into a calmer state with Charles and the Xanax. I was really scared about what had happened. What WAS that? I screamed at my boyfriend like a truly unhinged person for no real reason. It was not ME, it was the anxiety monster that is inside me.
A few days earlier, I wanted to go to Target in NJ with my sister. I felt my heart pounding as we started to drive, my adrenaline surging. I had no idea why.
I freaked out then too! That was like the little bit of lightning before the storm. She told me I said 'like' too often, and it seemed like the most vicious personal attack imaginable. Scary. :(
So these events happened. They were out of character for me, and unsettling as anything. Where is the real me? Where have I gone? Who the fuck is the unbalanced crying, screaming, crazy lady?
So then I end up in Best Buy with my boyfriend. He is keyboard shopping. He mentioned this must be boring for me. What? He's breaking up with me? I started to cry, knowing full well itwas unjustified. I knew, rationally, my boyfriend did not break up with me. But the tears came, he reacted with anger. (though he says he just didn't know what to do or how to act)
He threw down what he wanted to buy and said basically, 'we gotta get the fuck outta here, NOW!' this triggered me further, i walked home in tears. i just couldn't get ahold of myself, or stop sobbing.
after we got home, i calmed down and pulled myself together enough to keep my composure. we were supposed to be just getting dessert- that should be fast. my boyfriend orders an entree. it's ok, i can do it. i did- i sat quietly. i drank some hot chocolate, after barely eating food in a few days.
i got home, was calm. then it hit me. my boyfriend was going to harm me. it started off as a little thought, and then i was shaking and terrified for my life.
i had images of my old boyfriend jesse squeezing my throat, shaking me and hitting my head into the wall.
dave means me harm, i thought. i told myself it was ridiculous! i mean, dave's been with me for TWO years and never hurt me. dave is gentle and softspoken, loving and kind.
but it was there now. i wanted him to go away. i told him what i felt, and how i knew it was not real.
i lay in bed beside him, and started telling him about my past. things that had happened that i don't tell people, i just talked. all night. finally, i fell asleep next to him like i always do.
he did not harm me. fortunately, that went away. i felt safe around him after that. but i felt a disconnect. it breaks my heart.
i love this man so much! but i can't feel connected to anything right now except intense, unrelenting anxiety.
i NEED it to STOP. i don't know how. i feel like my own worst enemy. i start thinking that this is some mental illness that quietly crept in and will steal my life.
there has to be hope. i have to be myself. i don't feel at all like the person writing this is the person i really am.
the usual me is anxious yes- but nothing like this. it is so disconcerting to seemingly overnight (though now i see there were red flags)
turn into some alien being, the anxiety super capital of the world...
i want to be hungry again. i want to be quieted down. i want serenity, and positive feelings. fuck you dread, terror, crazy, paranoid... and scary and unwanted thought.
i feel on and off like im slipping into a dark hole of insanity. fuck you dark hole. you are an asshole.
no... i did read to 'go with it' and not 'fight it'. perhaps telling it off is not, going with it.
i'm not sure exactly what it is i'm going through, and going 'with' irrational fear and thoughts seems a little like the suck right now.
my ex boyfriend's brother died may 1st 09. he was in ny for that anniversary, and said he'd try to fit in seeing me.
it turns out he'd arrive right as im heading to my doctor's apt. he said he'd say hi outside, on his way to grand central.
i hope seeing him is good, not negative. he used to be my salvation, but shit-- i was fine then, in comparison.
when the phone rang just now, and it was my old b/f but i had wished it was that psychiatrist. now it rang again, it was my cat sitter.
im trying to 'reach out', a bit. my cat sitter will come for an hour. my old friend is coming from upstate.
my boyfriend is here. i want him to be able to take some time to play his guitar, or rest- and not be on constant babysitting detail....
maybe my cat sitter will want to stay here for awhile. i can offer. being alone is freaking terrifying shit right now.
"I'll be happy to get u an appt later this wk.
However, I cannot accept emails about clinical concerns (from either prospective or established pts) and cannot establish a doctor-patient relationship prior to our scheduled appt. "
I contacted her out of desperation. I could not reach the woman I wanted.
I had been trying to contac her, a psychiatrist I saw 7 years ago when I first was hit with panic disorder, agoraphobia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
This psychiatrist- her message said she'd be back this past Thursday, she did not return my message. I called her service twice and said it was urgent I talk to her. WTF?
All I want is to see a psychiatrist! I fear being locked up with every fiber of my being.
I do not want to get put away, because I got stressed out over:
My mom being in the hospital- and learning about it in a manner leading me to think she passed away.
My brother being ill.
A months long problem getting health insurance, while dealing with my thyroid going out of wack...
And probably dumb things, like my fridge breaking/ and air conditioner/ cat being sick.
Oh and flying to Florida because I felt I'd never see my mom again if I didn't-- and being so consumed with terror on the plane that I thought I'd lose my mind. (i very well may have)
Then agreeing to go on a cruise, involving flying to go on the boat-- when the idea of flying filled my with dread. Absolute dread. Not normal, not adjusted of me, but the way it happens to be.
When in Florida, my mom said things like 'but you used to fly here all the time', not understanding that for me... this was huge. A huge stress. It crossed my mind that I needed to go home, and just de-stress with NO further stresses.
But-- I agreed to the cruise. I also got home to find my insurance was not straightened out- and that my old insurance was NOT in effect when i thought it was... so now I had bills.
A 9/11 fund was tracking me down because of the insurance. The phone kept ringing, my stomach kept churning, bills were in my mailbox.
Then one night I was up all night with stabbing pains in my right rib cage. I could not reach my boyfriend, and kept trying desperately. I just wanted to hear his voice.
Finally, at 6 am I called my father, hoping to be reassured I wasn't having a gallbladder attack. (after reading online, i thought it possible)
I was far from reassured. He told me the health insurance I thought had gone through had not. I spent all day in bed stressing it.
When I got up I was hit with severe stomach cramps to the point I was on my knees. I was vomiting and sick, and thought 'oh man, stomach bug!'
After that, I felt scared to eat. I went days barely eating, and that became weeks. I started to sob and cry over nothing at all.
My boyfriend would make any comment, and I was hysterical. Then one night, I asked to take a photo of him making a funny face.
He refused, and I went into a rage type fit. I was crying and screaming so loud that I felt my throat shutting down. I was shaking, and hyperventilating.
I ran to my bottle of Xanax, which I had for flying to Florida. I said I'd take all of them, because I was out of control.
I didn't mean it. My boyfriend, not knowing that, grabbed them and ran.
I ran after him pleading, begging, for a small amount of Xanax. I could barely breathe, the room was spinning, and I needed it.
I had not taken any Xanax in 5 years, but this was the time. 'Please!' I cried. He said he should call the police, I said no please call my friend Charles.
He did, and he gave me the tiny piece of Xanax I so wanted.
I got into a calmer state with Charles and the Xanax. I was really scared about what had happened. What WAS that? I screamed at my boyfriend like a truly unhinged person for no real reason. It was not ME, it was the anxiety monster that is inside me.
A few days earlier, I wanted to go to Target in NJ with my sister. I felt my heart pounding as we started to drive, my adrenaline surging. I had no idea why.
I freaked out then too! That was like the little bit of lightning before the storm. She told me I said 'like' too often, and it seemed like the most vicious personal attack imaginable. Scary. :(
So these events happened. They were out of character for me, and unsettling as anything. Where is the real me? Where have I gone? Who the fuck is the unbalanced crying, screaming, crazy lady?
So then I end up in Best Buy with my boyfriend. He is keyboard shopping. He mentioned this must be boring for me. What? He's breaking up with me? I started to cry, knowing full well itwas unjustified. I knew, rationally, my boyfriend did not break up with me. But the tears came, he reacted with anger. (though he says he just didn't know what to do or how to act)
He threw down what he wanted to buy and said basically, 'we gotta get the fuck outta here, NOW!' this triggered me further, i walked home in tears. i just couldn't get ahold of myself, or stop sobbing.
after we got home, i calmed down and pulled myself together enough to keep my composure. we were supposed to be just getting dessert- that should be fast. my boyfriend orders an entree. it's ok, i can do it. i did- i sat quietly. i drank some hot chocolate, after barely eating food in a few days.
i got home, was calm. then it hit me. my boyfriend was going to harm me. it started off as a little thought, and then i was shaking and terrified for my life.
i had images of my old boyfriend jesse squeezing my throat, shaking me and hitting my head into the wall.
dave means me harm, i thought. i told myself it was ridiculous! i mean, dave's been with me for TWO years and never hurt me. dave is gentle and softspoken, loving and kind.
but it was there now. i wanted him to go away. i told him what i felt, and how i knew it was not real.
i lay in bed beside him, and started telling him about my past. things that had happened that i don't tell people, i just talked. all night. finally, i fell asleep next to him like i always do.
he did not harm me. fortunately, that went away. i felt safe around him after that. but i felt a disconnect. it breaks my heart.
i love this man so much! but i can't feel connected to anything right now except intense, unrelenting anxiety.
i NEED it to STOP. i don't know how. i feel like my own worst enemy. i start thinking that this is some mental illness that quietly crept in and will steal my life.
there has to be hope. i have to be myself. i don't feel at all like the person writing this is the person i really am.
the usual me is anxious yes- but nothing like this. it is so disconcerting to seemingly overnight (though now i see there were red flags)
turn into some alien being, the anxiety super capital of the world...
i want to be hungry again. i want to be quieted down. i want serenity, and positive feelings. fuck you dread, terror, crazy, paranoid... and scary and unwanted thought.
i feel on and off like im slipping into a dark hole of insanity. fuck you dark hole. you are an asshole.
no... i did read to 'go with it' and not 'fight it'. perhaps telling it off is not, going with it.
i'm not sure exactly what it is i'm going through, and going 'with' irrational fear and thoughts seems a little like the suck right now.
my ex boyfriend's brother died may 1st 09. he was in ny for that anniversary, and said he'd try to fit in seeing me.
it turns out he'd arrive right as im heading to my doctor's apt. he said he'd say hi outside, on his way to grand central.
i hope seeing him is good, not negative. he used to be my salvation, but shit-- i was fine then, in comparison.
when the phone rang just now, and it was my old b/f but i had wished it was that psychiatrist. now it rang again, it was my cat sitter.
im trying to 'reach out', a bit. my cat sitter will come for an hour. my old friend is coming from upstate.
my boyfriend is here. i want him to be able to take some time to play his guitar, or rest- and not be on constant babysitting detail....
maybe my cat sitter will want to stay here for awhile. i can offer. being alone is freaking terrifying shit right now.
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